Not a happy mothers day this year.

   My mom passed away on April 13 of this year, and I’m having a really hard time.   My father and older sister passed away in 2008, and while that was devastating for me, I think it was  1000 X harder losing my mom.  I don’t know how to live day to day without her.  Not a single hour has passes since she died 27 days ago that I haven’t had something I wanted to tell her, or something I needed advice about, or even just to hear her sometimes absolutely crazy ideas that always made us laugh so hard we’d cry.  I miss her with everything in me, I miss her with a quiet fury, and a sense of desperation.  My heart just ACHES for her.  I don’t know how I’m supposed to do this.  I wish I could ask her, what should I do?  How do I go on without the single biggest influence in my life?  I know that I have to.  I have these wonderful boys that need me to be their mom, and so I put one foot in front of the other every day, but I feel like I’m walking through a sludge of misery and loneliness.  I try to be brave, when all I really want is my mommy to hold me and tell me it’s going to be alright.  I know that I will heal, and I know that each day the pain will lessen just an iota, and someday I will be able to remember her with smiles and laughter.  Right now, it’s tears and regret.  Regret that I didn’t appreciate her enough.  Regret that I didn’t tell her I loved her enough.  Regret that I didn’t apologize for being such a little shit when I was a teenager and for all the heartache I caused.  Regret that I rolled my eyes when she told me something for my own good, and that eventually I figured out that she was right after all.  Regret that we didn’t have more time.   I can’t imagine a day when I won’t miss her.  I can say that I was blessed beyond belief to have been loved by her for 44 years.  She was the strongest woman I have ever known, and I’m trying to be as strong as she is for my kids right now.  We all miss her, and we all love her.  Mothers Day will come and go this year without a celebration at our home.  We will spend it reflecting on everything that she taught us, and how a big her loss has left in our hearts. 

Hug your Mom just a little tighter, and a little bit longer this Sunday. 

Happy Mothers Day Mom, and thank you.  For everything. 

Rox

 

 

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